Faith

Is faith only good if good things come out of it? What if your faith causes you to harm others or hinder others from living fully? What if your faith causes you to be judgmental, critical of others, and discriminatory? What if your faith mixes with your politics?

The first sermon that Shane ever heard at my church when we were dating was titled "Jesus is a capitalist."

Jesus, a capitalist? Was that pastor reading the same gospels as I was?

I'd like to say that Jesus was a Buddhist, but that may be only because I really admire Buddhist teachings and feel that they line up most closely with what I think Jesus was trying to preach.

Blind Faith

Is faith good?
Is faith bad?
Is blind faith good?
Is blind faith bad?
Define good & bad.

Pamphlet about Islam

I met a man once at a coffee shop that tried to convert me to Islam. He had a pamphlet and took my e-mail address. He had overheard me and a friend talking about religion. We were reading books about religions and were seeking to compare. He offered to give us some inside info about the beliefs of Islam. I found it fascinating that the info in his pamphlet reminded me so much of tracts that I myself have given to people or read at churches that I have attended. It included information about the prophesies in the Koran and how they have come true in our present time, and the probabilities of those prophesies coming true by chance. This was a huge moment of recognition of the persuasion tactics of Christianity. Lets use numbers and logic to convince people that we can prove something that has always been a belief by faith.

I have read enough info tearing apart Christian 'logic' that I now believe that the phrase is a complete joke. There can be no 'Christian logic', only faith.

My argument thus far

Basically the argument that I have been making so far has been:
If a religion or belief IS the one TRUE religion or belief, then how come its members or followers do not show its TRUTH through the majority of their actions?
I know I didn't phrase that quite right, but you get the point.

So now, back to my journey.

• I understand grace and forgiveness. I can forgive the people that have been rude or insensitive to me.
• I also know that there are religious people, and especially Christian people that I know personally, who are very moral and kind, and do 'show Christ' through their everyday choices. I ran into an old classmate of my older siblings. He is on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ and is a regular at the Barnes & Noble store that my husband works at. This Christian man never fails to say hi, to ask me how I am, and to be sincerely interested in my responses. I still have good friends that I went to church with. I still have coffee with some of them on occasion. They are Christians who I feel really are trying to live up to a higher standard. That higher standard including: not judging or gossiping, and fully loving all humans. I really admire those people.
• I also know atheists and agnostics who are doing the same thing.

Anyway, at some point in my journey thus far, it no longer seemed to matter that I have had all these horrible church experiences. The main affect those have had on me is to keep me out of 'church,' but not necessarily changing my view on whether or not there is a God. That has been a process over my whole life. I have had doubts for a long time, at least since before my teen years. I'll admit that I am a logic junky. I love to put theories into my own 'What would happen if..' scenarios, and challenge common beliefs. I share this trait with my husband. So, that is where the questions begin to multiply.

User friendly

The last church that I attended regularly was a seeker friendly church. I always want to say 'user friendly', but I really don't know if these churches are user friendly. I attended that church off and on for well over two years, but still felt completely invisible. I had signed up to be a greeter and to help with the youth group, but never got a call back on either. I was in all the women's bible studies, but the women in them would barely say 'hi' on Sunday mornings. I realise that I am a little edgy with my pierced nose and sometimes abnormal hair style. I have sometimes blamed my appearance on the lack of response to my attempts at community involvement in the church. I also am not a couple (my husband does not attend church). There seem to be a few categories in churches: Young Married Couples, Singles, College Age, Divorced, Couples with children, Couples w/out children, (I'm sure I'm missing some). Many of these people have groups that they belong to. Being a married-working-mother with a non-church-going-husband, there was no real group for me, other than women's bible studies, which were full of single women who grouped together, and married women (couples) who would get together with other couples.

I worked overnights on Saturdays and would pack up my two three year old twin boys and go to church Sunday mornings. After a long week of working overnights and taking care of my boys during the day, I was pretty tired. Shane's schedule varies and usually my sleep time was minimal. One of the nursery workers questioned if I had been using drugs. I know that my eyes were a little blood shot, and I usually looked like I worked all night (because I did), but I was slightly irritated by the suggestion. (I have NEVER used drugs, unless you count the occasional cigarette in high school, the less than a dozen times I've been intoxicated by alcohol consumption, or my frequent use of coffee.) When I told him that I worked overnights he gave me a look that showed he did not believe a word I said.

It was here that I met another pastor's wife. We got to know each other a little bit while doing some painting in the church. She was new to the area and silly me, I thought, hey I should invite her out for coffee. She seemed VERY excited to go out. So I called her a few times, leaving messages, and then we talked at church and set up a date to meet in the early morning, right after I got home from work. I found a babysitter. She said to call her that morning to decide where to meet. I called that morning, no answer, left a message. I had a babysitter at my house and was too embarrassed to say that my plans weren't working out when I didn't get a call back. So I went out by myself. She never really talked to me again. She'd wave and say 'hi' and then turn to talk to someone else or look busy.

This church had attendance cards that we filled out every week. I made it to church pretty regularly. During the membership class one person asked why we had to fill those out every week. The pastor said that he uses those to follow up on people that have been attending for awhile and then haven't been at church for more than six weeks. I quit going to church there when Carrera was about a month old. About a year later I got an e-mail from the pastor saying that they missed me. After a year?

I had a single positive experience at this church: when Carrera was born some women from the church brought over meals for us. I appreciated those meals VERY much!!

I quit going to the church for two reasons. The first and primary reason was because I did not feel good about myself going there. I was sick of being invisible. And secondly because of the emergence of a bad reputation and gossip which admittedly was true about me, and so therefore was partially my own fault. That is a story I will save, and keep to myself. Although I learned a little bit about how the gossip train works in user friendly churches (or perhaps in all churches). And this may be why the pastor took so long to e-mail me that I had been missed.

Medusa Demon

I had two bible school students tell me that they saw a green Medusa demon watching over me at night. I still wonder...

Prophesy

I've had quite a few prophesies said over me in my days attending Pentecostal churches. Some of them I can almost remember word for word. I have some on tape and I also typed them up. Once in awhile I'll take them out and read them. My husband can attest that I am a little bit voodooish with prophesy. You see, some of them have seemed to have happened, or have been very accurate at describing who I am. Yet others have not. There is this theory that prophesies only come to pass if you are following God. If you are not following God then they will not happen. Ok, if God knows the future then wtf? I have also had my palm read by a man that I worked with. His was the most accurate of any prophesy I ever had. I really enjoyed talking with him about future and palm reading. Our lines on our palms change, if you photocopy your palm today and one year from now, they will look different. Obviously our finger prints don't change, but the grooves do. Of course I never have photocopied my palms. Basically his point was that if you stick on the course that you are on now, this is what your future holds, but things change. Maybe that is what prophesy is like. A knowing that is temporary or conditional. But is it words from God? Honestly I think it is an energy thing, and no more. Even the palm reading is a little bit too far fetched for me. If God really wants to tell me that he or she is real, wouldn't he or she find a better way to say it, or a more specific way. Tell me what color underwear that I am wearing, not what my desires are. Its pretty easy to guess that a female Christian teen's desires are to get married and have kids and if you are off the mark, you can always correct your prophesy by saying, "God is going to give you that desire". Hey, I can play this game too.