I'll start by telling you about the dream I had this morning right before waking, or at least what I remember of it. It is relevant only because I have similar dreams on a regular basis. I'll admit they are less and less regular as time goes on, but still just as intense. Here it goes: I am back at bible school (this is the dream now) and I am trapped. I don't remember why I was trapped there (every one of these dreams varies in why I am trapped and I don't always remember why when I wake up). All I know is that I want to leave to get back to Minnesota to be with my kids and husband, but they will not let me leave. I quickly retreat to my room and begin packing up my things, sneaking around my roommates so they won't sound the alarm and alert the authorities. I realize that the only way to get out is to contact a friend from bible school who lives in the nearby town of Roanoke. I somehow get to a phone and call her; telling her that I need her to pick me up and rescue me. She KNOWS, she knows that she needs to get me, to rescue me, and vows to be there in an hour. I'll be waiting with my bags packed. I know that whatever isn't packed I will have to leave behind. I must be unattached to "things." The plan is to go back to her place so that I can access the Internet to buy an airplane ticket out of here. There is no Internet access at the school and I am being watched because they know that I want to leave. I have this horrible fear that they will cut off Internet access to the whole area to stop me from leaving, so I must work quickly or I won't get the tickets that I desperately need. I wake up before I get rescued.
My dreams in the beginning were not so reassuring. There was no one to rescue me. In those dreams I had no hope, just fear.
My choice to leave Minnesota and the university I was attending came about partially as the result of unrequited love. I was obsessed and depressed. I also was suicidal off and on and I was assured by family and friends that what I needed was God. I found the idea of getting a break from the pressures of the university refreshing, and thought it might give me new perspective. I looked at a few bible schools across the country. I wanted a small, inexpensive school, with very few students. It had to be out in the country where I could really find God. Nature has always helped me connect with God. I finally decided on this particular bible school because I had an acquaintance from church who would be entering her third year at this school. I thought it would help if I knew someone, plus we could share the long drive out there together. She quickly progressed from an acquaintance to a close friend.
The bible school ended up being more like a prison than a refreshing relief from the pressures of college. The students were required to assist leaders by cleaning their mansion homes, landscaping for them, and babysitting their kids (all without pay). Students were required to obey leaders always, not to question the leaders' authority, work on campus for free, and work even when we were sick. Leaders would refuse to let us go to the doctor because Jesus is our healer, they forced us to fast, forced us to pray for hours, and limited our sleep by not letting us nap and requiring we stay up late and get up early. We weren't allowed to leave the campus without permission, and we were not allowed to enjoy the nature surrounding the school. Some of my friends were not allowed to exercise because they were too prideful of their bodies, and others were forced to eat because they were "too skinny." I was told that I had demons or evil spirits surrounding me and controlling me, so I needed to repent and pray to be freed. All of this, plus rules, and rules about rules that governed how we acted, talked, dressed, who we could talk to, how to eat, how to walk, how to worship God... I was scared, I left that place full of fear. I left uncertain of God and uncertain of my place in life. I was disoriented, unfocused and more "messed up" than I was before.
This was the beginning of my journey away from God.
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