Accountability

Recent discussion with a friend (that happens to be the wife of a pastor) has raised a challenge to my previous comment about pastor's wives. Really the comment was meant in jest, not spite.

But in all sincerity here is another analysis to get you thinking about the role of 'pastor's wife':

Most pastors are men. All of the pastors I have had have been men (besides the woman I met once who married Shane and I). Majority of churches do not keep a staff of women to deal with counseling women or connecting women with women. The women's groups in the churches that I have attended were led by women in the church that volunteered their time. This makes it hard when us women have an issue that we feel we need to talk with someone about. I am NOT going to go to a man to discuss my issues with sexual impurity. With that said, the only obvious choice for counsel falls to the 'pastor's wife'. And what is the number one way to meet with a pastor's wife, well, for me, coffee of course. That is how I meet with EVERYONE. I can understand that the pastor's wife feels many demands. All the women in the church want to be her friend, or even best friend. By default she may often becomes in charge of many groups and gatherings. It must be hard to balance mothering her own children and also being a sort of mother figure in the church. I can have compassion. It really is not the fault of the pastor's wife for not having the time to give to the women who feel they need her, but that of the church. One church I attended had a list of contacts in the bulletin of about ten people (three pastors, two youth leaders, college group leader, children's ministry leader, women's group leader and two worship leaders). Of the ten, only one was a woman.

Many churches expect their members to meet moral standards in order to retain their membership, and often they encourage accountability to help maintain the expected moral standards. Yet I have never seen a church have good systems set up for accountability.

I was once "outed' by a female accountability partner to our male head pastor for having sexual issues (she sincerely believed that I was demon possessed). This accountability partner was a friend I trusted and she also had signed a contract of confidentiality with me.The pastor never reprimanded her for sharing my secrets with him. After the 'outing' to the pastor I met with the youth pastor's wife in her home. I was hoping to get some ideas for how to have accountability.  I was worried about finding someone I could trust. The answer I received from the pastor's wife was that I needed to join a church accountability group. The only problem was that there was only one accountability group for unmarried adults in my age group. In that group was not only the friend who had betrayed me, but other women that I would never have felt comfortable sharing ANY of my struggles with. I was honest with the pastor's wife, and told her me concerns with the group. She agreed to meet with me regularly. After her cancelling on me a few times, and then leaving two or three messages on her voice mail (that were never returned), I gave up. I was on my own.

I may have given up on the 'pastor's wife' route, but I was determined to be a moral Christian, and I knew that I was struggling, so I scheduled an appointment with a female Christian counselor. This counseling service is not directly connected to this church alone, but is hooked up to a network of different churches in the area. I convinced my mom into paying the fees for me. So I began meeting with two wonderful women and openly discussed many things that I had never told anyone. In stark contrast to my previous experiences, the counselor was accepting of me. She also did not think I was demon possessed. The assistant counselor and I began to meet regularly to keep me accountable. She became my accountability partner and she was trustworthy. She actually became a surrogate mother in some ways. I felt that I was beginning to make progress and was challenged to grow in my faith. Unfortunately the other shoe was about to drop. When things were really going good, this woman became "too busy" to continue our relationship. Back to square one.

It wasn't long after this that I met Shane.

My mother did not approve of my relationship with Shane. We had been engaged for two weeks when she went the pastor and asked him what she should do. His wisdom: kick her out of your home. So I was given an ultimatum, and chose to move out and in with Shane. We found out that we were pregnant a week later. Shortly after this I received a phone call at work from the pastor saying that I didn't meet the moral standards required of a member of his church. Followed were some very nasty e-mails from the youth pastor, the one whose wife I had met with to ask about accountability. I still remember him writing about how betrayed he felt by me, and how him and his wife were always there for me. DELETE.