Journals

I journal.

I journal a lot.

I started journaling regularly when I was in college at about age 17. At that point I was very 'religious', although I would have called myself 'Christian'. When I was in high school there was a backlash against the word religious because religion implies rules and judgment, not a personal relationship with Jesus, which is what Christians are really supposed to have. But as much as the Christians I have met talk that way, their lives are still run by rules. And as much as I'd like to say that I wasn't that way, I was. My life was ran by rules and guilt. Did I feel guilty when I hadn't opened my bible for a week? Yes. Did I feel guilty when my prayers were generic and felt rehearsed? Yes. Did I feel guilty when I fantasized about the cute boy in my Chemistry class? Hell yes. And I know that I wasn't the only one (who felt guilt... and perhaps not the only one who fantasized about Mr. Dreamy in Chem). I took God seriously, and I knew that my thoughts were just as important as my actions. I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. When I read through my old journals I can read about my struggles and doubts and passion for God. They are evidence that my life experiences really did happen. I can see the questioning and progression to where I am today. In the last few years my journals have become filled with Buddhist and New Age teachings, and observations of life and human nature. 'God' has slowly become less and less visible in my journals, and social responsibility and compassion have become perhaps the most important entries.