Fairies & Wood Nymphs

Driving down through my neighborhood this evening, bringing the kids to t-ball... Ok, I know, t-ball, what the hell are MY kids doing in t-ball? I try to play the part - I wore a t-shirt and hoodie (stopped short of wearing a cap - yuck). Neither I nor my husband are fans of competitive sports and would prefer our kids be in band or drama camp, but you gotta let them try it all out, right? ...so back to the driving (Well, Shane, the husband, was driving actually.) And I thought to myself: "I want to believe in a god." And truly I do. Every part of my heart and passion for nature and freedom and love and truth wants to BELIEVE. But every part of me that stands for truth and freedom and love just simply can't do it. At least I can't believe in any god that I have read about. Can I believe that there is a force in nature, separate from pain, allowing pain, yet guiding all of nature? Yes, I guess I could. But I cannot believe in a god that is a judge or a taker of sides. I, like most people, think that my political views and social views are RIGHT, and, as my husband would say "They are right." But I'm not really a believer in the whole right concept. I am coming to the realization that most people (I hope) base their beliefs on what they truly think is right based on their experience of the world. Ok, does the wife beater think that what he is dong is right? Maybe and maybe not. Does he justify it based on his experience? Probably. Can I judge his actions as wrong? I will, but... I hesitate here. I can empathize with a person stuck in a cycle. I can empathize with someone who doesn't know how to change. I could never hurt another person physically (unless in self-defense) but have I hurt my husband and even kids emotionally? Yes. Do I have regret? Yes. Can I change? I do and I am. What benefit would a god that judges be to a world like ours? I guess I'd rather believe in fairies and wood nymphs.

Spirit Music

I dreamed about some awesome church music a few nights ago and I woke up trying to decide where I wanted to go next Sunday to hear some music live. There are parts of church and faith and God and Jesus that I miss. And when I say "miss" I mean miss from the deepest depths of myself, that hidden self that is unreachable sometimes even by myself. After I fully woke up I changed my mind. I will not be trekking off to some church this Sunday to hear music, but I won't make promises about the future. I may just might get an itch and sneak into the back of some church to throw my hands in the air and bellow out a few tunes that bring warmth to my "spirit."

Freedom

Freedom. I can remember hearing MANY sermons about Freedom in churches. "It was for freedom that Christ set us free" (Gal. 5:1a). Ponder freedom. What does freedom mean? Freedom from what? From Satan? From eternal damnation? From pain? Freedom from fear? Or is it Freedom TO? Freedom to... what? I have searched for freedom in my life and I don't see the type of freedom that I am looking for in most churches in the U.S.

Break it down:
PAIN. Obviously we are not free from pain. My sister just gave a kidney to my cousin. She chose pain so that he could live a longer life. His life has been full of pain having been born with only one kidney, an unhealthy one. Both my sister and cousin are Christian and moral people, yet they experience pain.
SATAN. ETERNAL DAMNATION. Ok, there may be some argument for saying Christian's are free from eternal damnation. I just don't believe in an after life, and especially not in hell.
FEAR. The Christians that I have met have way more fear than the atheists I know. They fear hell and judgment. They fear corruption by other sinners. They fear not being good enough. And they may argue with me that by following all their rules that they aren't exhibiting fear, but I think that strict adhering to rules that make no sense can only be birthed out of fear.

Freedom. What about freedom to act on sexual orientation? What about freedom to say "no" to authority? What about freedom for women to take care of their own bodies without men's rules governing them? What about women's freedoms in general? There is very little room for women to have freedom within Christianity (and many other religions as well). I argue that religion is constricting, restricting, creates fear and does not create freedom.

70th Birthday Party

Yesterday was my dad's 70th birthday party. Attendees: Shane, I & our kids, my sister Sara & her family, my mom & dad (obviously), and my mom's sister & her husband (my aunt & uncle). Last night after the kids finally were in bed Shane and I talked a little about the interactions. My aunt, mother and sister are all what I would classify as evangelical Christians. EVERYTHING they talked about revolved around God, church, and prayer. This is the way I grew up. Nothing was ever separate from religion, and God was the master planner of everything that happened. The answer to every question: "Pray about it." The more experience that I have, the more I see that not all Christians center everything around religion and prayer. I would consider most of the people I meet to believe in Christianity, yet I don't hear them talking constantly about their religion like I did in my childhood or around the circles from churches that I once attended. Is it good to let religion permeate everything we say and do? Or can there be a balance?

What is attributed to religion?

What can we attribute to religion and what do we not attribute to religion?

There is no doubt that many evil things have been done and are done in the name of religion. I would argue that there are also good things that have been done in the name of religion. If a person is mean and hateful and religious is religion blamed for the faults of the individual? If a person is selfless and caring and religious is religion the cause of the compassion? Shane and I had a conversation a few days ago about Mother Teresa. I don't know a lot about her, but I know that she did a lot to help people and she did it in the name of religion (or God). Was it 'religion' that inspired her, or a heart for people? Could a non-religious person or a person ascribing to another religion be just as dedicated to helping others? Is it wrong to help others with the intent to convert?

Faith

Is faith only good if good things come out of it? What if your faith causes you to harm others or hinder others from living fully? What if your faith causes you to be judgmental, critical of others, and discriminatory? What if your faith mixes with your politics?

The first sermon that Shane ever heard at my church when we were dating was titled "Jesus is a capitalist."

Jesus, a capitalist? Was that pastor reading the same gospels as I was?

I'd like to say that Jesus was a Buddhist, but that may be only because I really admire Buddhist teachings and feel that they line up most closely with what I think Jesus was trying to preach.

Blind Faith

Is faith good?
Is faith bad?
Is blind faith good?
Is blind faith bad?
Define good & bad.