Fairies & Wood Nymphs

Driving down through my neighborhood this evening, bringing the kids to t-ball... Ok, I know, t-ball, what the hell are MY kids doing in t-ball? I try to play the part - I wore a t-shirt and hoodie (stopped short of wearing a cap - yuck). Neither I nor my husband are fans of competitive sports and would prefer our kids be in band or drama camp, but you gotta let them try it all out, right? ...so back to the driving (Well, Shane, the husband, was driving actually.) And I thought to myself: "I want to believe in a god." And truly I do. Every part of my heart and passion for nature and freedom and love and truth wants to BELIEVE. But every part of me that stands for truth and freedom and love just simply can't do it. At least I can't believe in any god that I have read about. Can I believe that there is a force in nature, separate from pain, allowing pain, yet guiding all of nature? Yes, I guess I could. But I cannot believe in a god that is a judge or a taker of sides. I, like most people, think that my political views and social views are RIGHT, and, as my husband would say "They are right." But I'm not really a believer in the whole right concept. I am coming to the realization that most people (I hope) base their beliefs on what they truly think is right based on their experience of the world. Ok, does the wife beater think that what he is dong is right? Maybe and maybe not. Does he justify it based on his experience? Probably. Can I judge his actions as wrong? I will, but... I hesitate here. I can empathize with a person stuck in a cycle. I can empathize with someone who doesn't know how to change. I could never hurt another person physically (unless in self-defense) but have I hurt my husband and even kids emotionally? Yes. Do I have regret? Yes. Can I change? I do and I am. What benefit would a god that judges be to a world like ours? I guess I'd rather believe in fairies and wood nymphs.

Spirit Music

I dreamed about some awesome church music a few nights ago and I woke up trying to decide where I wanted to go next Sunday to hear some music live. There are parts of church and faith and God and Jesus that I miss. And when I say "miss" I mean miss from the deepest depths of myself, that hidden self that is unreachable sometimes even by myself. After I fully woke up I changed my mind. I will not be trekking off to some church this Sunday to hear music, but I won't make promises about the future. I may just might get an itch and sneak into the back of some church to throw my hands in the air and bellow out a few tunes that bring warmth to my "spirit."